Monthly Archives: August 2010

“How come…???”

This comes from a post on my friend Tawn’s blog ChickenAndKetchup.  Having several friends of different cultural backgrounds, Tawn couldn’t help but notice commonalities among people of the same ethnicity.  Her observations are meant to be humorous and though many of these questions are based on stereotypes, they are in no way intended to offend anyone.  Anyways, I had answers to many of the questions she asked, so here we go…

  1. How come the average size of a man’s wang differs across different races? A: Genetics
  2. How come the average breast and hip size of a woman differs across different races?  A: Again, genetics.
  3. How come Vietnamese girls are the ones who are more likely to get breast implants?  A: They’re more superficial and more willing to spend money on fake boobs.  Also, Viet guys tend to spoil their gf’s, so they may buy the boobs for their girl.
  4. How come Koreans girls are more likely to get surgery on their face? i.e. double eyelids? A: It’s part of Korean culture.  It’s basically expected that you get your eyes done by the time you graduate college.  Kinda like how we’re expected to get a license at age 16 (shout out to Minh).
  5. How come a lot of White people often walk  without shoes? A: Cuz they grew up in suburban America where it’s clean and safe to walk around barefoot.  Fuck around and walk barefoot in the hood and you’ll probably step on glass.
  6. How come a lot of Korean guys and Mexican guys like to be super douchey and overprotective of their significant others? A: They’re insecure, and all their fathers are assholes like that.
  7. How come Asians like their karaoke?  A: Because it’s fucking fun.
  8. How come a lot of Latinos hang out in the front of their house? A: It’s not Latinos that hang outside their house, it’s people from lower-income households, regardless of race.  For an example of non-Latinos hanging outside, watch the movie Friday.
  9. How come a lot of White people say, “WOOOOOO!” when they’re drunk? A: Specifically, drunk white girls.  It’s a signal to the hunters that the prey is ready for the taking.
  10. How come Filipinos seem to always roll deep? A: Because we do.
  11. How come Filipinos spell certain things with a Ph or a F or P.  I’m always confused as to which one to use.  A: http://tagaloglang.com/The-Philippines/Language/filipino-tagalog-pilipino.html
  12. How come we (Asians) always seem to place Chinese and Koreans at a higher social status in the Asian ladder of coolness.  Ok, using Yao Ming as a reason isn’t legit. Haha. A: Filipinos are the coolest Asians.  It’s scientifically proven.
  13. Why do us jungle Asians have the most issues with the law? A: We like doing hood rat stuff with our friends.
  14. How come Filipinos and Blacks are naturally better dancers? A: Referring to my earlier point, we’re naturally cooler.  I also want to point out that Filipino and African-American cultures have a lot of similarities.  I may have to blog about this later.
  15. How come White people love getting darker (tan), while everyone else is trying to maintain the lightest color as possible…but not too light or we look sickly.  A: Because in most other cultures the working class is dark.
  16. How come Vietnamese and Mexicans both like cilantro, green onions, and lime? A: Teenage pregnancy.

Make sure you check out Tawn’s blog for the full list of questions.

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AIM Game – The dying art of Instant Message holleration


When I was in school one of the most convenient and effective ways to holler at a girl was AOL Instant Messenger.  Even before the days of Facebook stalking, there was AIM.  The beauty of AIM was that you didn’t have to see a girl often in order to have actual conversations with her.  Even if you saw her once a week, you could still chat with her everyday and establish a genuine bond.

There were two fundamental rules to AIM Game.  First and foremost, you had to MAKE SURE how you learned her screename didn’t make you look like a creeper.  You couldn’t just randomly IM a chick cuz then she’d think you were stalking her.  There had to be a [seemingly] legitmate reason for the opening IM.  My senior year at UT there was this gorgeous girl in one of my classes, but I never got a real opportunity to talk to her before/during/after class.  After we became friends on Facebook I noticed she posted her screename on her profile.  One day I purposely skipped class, and the next day I IM’ed her asking, “Hey were you in class the other day?  Mind if I get your notes?”  I mean, she was the only person I knew in that class – who else would I have asked?

The second rule of AIM Game (and dating in general, for that matter) was to never be a Bugaboo.  You couldn’t be the one to always IM first.  I know EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US has stared at our Buddy List waiting for that one person to IM us.  And if they didn’t we’d be like, “What the hell???”

Now that we’re out of school I don’t really see instant messaging as being a viable option to initiate communication with the intent to holler. Nowadays people just chat with people they already know well.   Also, most of us are at work during the day, so even if you “kind of” know somebody you don’t want to bother them at work by IM’ing them cuz then you’d be weird.

Dang…RIP AIM.

Dumb Broad Syndrome

Dumb Broad Syndrome, or DBS, is a mental illness I first documented in 2004. Since then, I’ve noticed the disease is far more widespread than originally perceived.  It is estimated that 85% of young women between the ages of 15 and 28 suffer from some form of DBS.  The disease is extremely contagious, and if one female in a group suffers from DBS it is highly likely to spread to other females in her social circle.  I even started noticing some men displaying symptoms of DBS. Like schizophrenia, Dumb Broad Syndrome can affect a patient’s behavior in a number of different ways.  The two most common manifestations of DBS in my research have been Trifilin’ Ass Hoe and Still Stuck on Him.

I am astounded at the number of Trifilin’ Ass Hoes out there.  These girls are known to play (devious) mind games and take advantage of the men they are dating.  Even in long term relationships, these girls never seem satisfied and will run around with other men on the down low regardless of how well their mate treats them.  Trifilin’ Ass Hoe-itis can be seen in single women as well.  You will see this broad caked up with one dude at a bar one night, and in less than a week you’ll see her with another man.  Most of the time a Trifilin’ Ass Hoe is a chick you can stroke with little to no effort, but be weary of the Next Level Triflin’ Ass Hoe.  These girls don’t let men hit unless they’re in a relationship, leading the man to think he found a “good” girl.  But a Next Level Trifilin’ Ass Hoe will still flirt and run around with other cats behind your back, even if she made you wait before you cut.  Don’t get tricked into taking it to the Next Level.  I made that mistake once…never will I make it again.

On the other end of the DBS spectrum are the girls that are Still Stuck on Him.  “Him” usually refers to an ex-boyfriend, but it can apply to any man she’s had romantic involvement with.  The girls that are Still Stuck on Him will always take Him back, no matter how many times he does her wrong.  One symptom of Still Stuck on Him DBS is when a girl blindly ignores warnings that her man is cheating.  No matter how compelling the evidence or trusted the source, she stubbornly refuses to believe her man is capable of such a thing.  Another symptom is seen when a man goes back and forth in his mind trying to decide if he wants to be with a girl.  Despite how many times he drops her, as soon as he feels like he wants her again the girl that’s Still Stuck on Him will always run back (quickly).

Unfortunately there is no cure or treatment for DBS.  In most instances patients will simply outgrow DBS with time, but this is not always the case.  Preliminary research indicates strong values instilled by a female’s parents during childhood may play an important factor in avoiding DBS.  Preventing young girls from running around with hood rats may also be a strong DBS deterrent.

Motivation

Up until a few years ago I actually enjoyed working out.  While many people find lifting weights a chore, I used to always think it was fun.  And to be honest I can admit I’m rather vain, so after I developed a little bit of muscle I couldn’t imagine losing it.  A couple of years ago, however, I started losing motivation to hit the gym. Nowadays everybody is trying to be swoll, and there are hella meatheads and douchebags running around in their Affliction shirts thinking they’re hot shit.  I hate going to the gym and seeing those guys.  Also, as I’ve grown older, I’ve become more fond of beer and eating well (not healthy), whereas earlier in life I found it easy to refrain from poor nutritional decisions. Furthermore, I’ve learned it’s still possible to attract women without looking like a superhero as long as you know how to talk to them.  So for over the past 2 years it’s been more and more of a struggle for me to find the motivation to hit the gym consistently.

Then a couple of weeks ago I went to Lake Conroe to spend time with my family for my sister’s 20th birthday.  Three of her friends made it out to the lake as well, one of which being a rather tall, athletic looking fellow.  Now, I know for a fact my sister’s not formerly dating anyone right now, but she told me she’s talking, chilling, and just “having fun” with some guy.  (I’m old enough to know what that means, but as her older brother I try not to think about it.)  Anyways, I put 2 and 2 together and figured this is the cat she’s talking to.

So we’re on the boat, and I have to admit homeboy’s kinda ripped (pause).  Then I get to thinking, “I’ll be damned if these lil mother f*****s tryin to holler at my LITTLE SISTER be swoller than me.”  These fools need to recognize if they cross the line I am both willing and ABLE to break their face.  Don’t get me wrong, when I meet these guys I’m “nice” enough, to a certain extent.  But I don’t have to be friendly.  Why we gotta be friends?  I already have my friends…to me the clique is full.

So now my motivation for working out is less about attracting hoes, and more about ensuring my sister isn’t treated like a hoe. For the most part I think she’ll make wise decisions in regards to dating because she doesn’t suffer from DBS (Dumb Broad Syndrome, which I will discuss in an upcoming blog post), but guys in general can’t be trusted.  When my sister brings a dude to meet me, I gotta be sure I intimidate him enough so that he knows if he slips up, that’s his ass.

Bonus: As a young’un this movie was motivational for me.