I am surprised and blessed by the reaction garnered by my last post. I wasn’t expecting it to resonate with people the way it did, and it’s just a testament to how God is working in my life.
Thus I felt compelled once more to go deeper into the circumstances that caused me to lose faith in the first place, and what caused me to turn back to God, to put things in better context. There are some things I left out in the last post in order to make things concise, and it’s easy to oversimplify my situation by saying I was struggling through a breakup so I started praying more since I was lonely, and now I feel better. It goes deeper than that.
Going back to when I was in college, I’ve been pretty fortunate in regards to my job opportunities. After my first internship I got a job offer, then while I was working I survived the rounds of layoffs at the consulting firm I was at, then I got a new job that paid better, so on and so forth. My parents would tell me that God was truly blessing me. But the whole time God was just an afterthought for me. During college I barely went to church, a trend that continued for most of my life after graduation until recently. Nothing in my daily life was centered around God. Nevertheless, I still felt like I was on a path to eventual “success”, and when I looked around I would see other people doing big things without God’s help. So over time I started to formulate that my success did not have to come from God. The more I was able to “succeed” without him, and the more I saw other people “succeed” without him, the more I started to doubt his impact and existence altogether.
Then last year I decided to hop out the Matrix and open The Class Room. Opening a boutique was always a big life goal of mine, and the fact that I was able to do it without seeking God’s help was further evidence against his existence. I didn’t need a god, I just needed my business partners and hard work.
Long story short, I felt I had accomplished much and was on the path to accomplishing so much more without the help of a god, therefore he probably wasn’t real. With the foundation of my faith already shook, add on all the family issues that’s been going on this past year, and it reinforced the thought in my head that God was not in control, and the universe is just a mysterious place that works at random.
It is at this junction we arrive at my turning point. I had almost given up on the thought of God altogether, and it got to the point where when I did go to church the sermons started sounding like a bunch of hodge-podge for people who didn’t believe in making stuff happen for themselves. But everything else I was trying in life wasn’t working. I don’t think I was ever depressed or anything, I just felt so unfulfilled by the temporary solutions I was indulging myself in. So, even though there was still doubt in my heart, I started to seek God.
But from there you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul. – Deuteronomy 4:29 English Standard Version
See, I still had doubts, but once I took that first step forward, God started to reveal himself. And like I said before, I started to find peace.
What’s more, I’m beginning to understand why God allowed me to “succeed” even though my heart wasn’t in the right place. So many people have commended me on following my passion to open the store. Those who’ve seen my different hustles have said, “Cabby, I respect what you’re doing.” The point is, because of the store and my different hustles, I have an audience now. I’m not trying to brag and say I’m a hero to a lot of people, but it would be foolish to deny that people aren’t watching what I’m doing, and how I live my life. He allowed my success, and I’m discovering my purpose is to use the platform he’s given me for his glory, and help people find their way. God’s perfect plan, indeed.
…Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more. – Luke 12:48